Family Chat
Talking Money With Your Family
For years, the Kovalenko family avoided talking about money. It felt too personal, too awkward, and too easy to push aside. Everyone quietly assumed things would work out on their own.
Then Mr. Kovalenko had a stroke.
In an instant, everything changed. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t make decisions. And suddenly it all fell to his wife, Olena, who had never expected to manage everything alone.
Olena didn’t know where he kept certain bank accounts. She wasn’t sure which bills needed to be paid or when. The family had talked about getting a power of attorney—but “one day” never came. What should have been a time for rest and healing became a time of confusion, paperwork, and fear.
Olena wasn’t alone. Most families never talk about aging, money, or planning until there’s a crisis.¹
But no parent or spouse wants their family to be left in the dark when something goes wrong.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
Why These Conversations Matter — From the Parent or Spouse’s Side
Parents and spouses often avoid these discussions because they don’t want to burden anyone. They want to stay independent, protect their dignity, and keep family harmony. But silence can create bigger problems later.
Here’s why the conversations matter for us:
We stay in control.
The clearer our wishes are, the more likely they’ll be honored.We spare our loved ones from stress.
When something happens, they won’t scramble to find documents or guess what we wanted.We avoid family conflict.
When everything is written down, there’s less room for confusion or disagreement.We get peace of mind.
Knowing the plan is settled feels reassuring—not restrictive.²
Talking about money is not about giving up control.
It’s about making sure our wishes guide the future.
When to Start the Conversation
The best time is before health problems begin—while everyone is thinking clearly and emotions are steady.
Good moments to bring it up might be:
After seeing a friend or neighbor go through a health crisis
When approaching retirement
After hearing a news story about scams or elder care
When updating your own financial documents³
Avoid times that feel rushed, emotional, or chaotic. Choose a quiet, private moment.⁴
How to Begin the Conversation
Many parents or spouses want to talk—but don’t know how to start.
These gentle approaches can help:
1. Start by sharing your concerns.
You might say:
“I want to make sure things are clear in case something happens to me or your father.”
This shows you’re doing it out of love, not fear.
2. Share a real example.
Maybe a friend struggled because their spouse didn’t leave any instructions.
This opens the door without pressure.³
3. Focus on your wishes.
Make it about what YOU want, not what anyone else expects.
“I want you to know my wishes so you don’t have to guess later.”
4. Begin small.
The first talk doesn’t need to cover everything.⁶
Maybe start with: “Here’s where the important documents are.”
Small steps build comfort and trust.
What Parents and Spouses Should Share
Over time, aim to cover these topics so your family has what they need.
1. Where important items are kept
Wills, deeds, insurance papers
Bank accounts and financial records
Safe deposit box and key location⁷
2. Legal documents
Do you have:
A will?
A financial power of attorney?
A health care proxy?
A living will?⁸
If not, now is the time to create them.
3. Income and expenses
Let your spouse or children know:
Your income sources (Social Security, pension, retirement accounts)
Regular bills and due dates
Any debts or outstanding loans⁷
4. Your health care wishes
This is one of the most important topics:
The kind of care you would want
Whether you'd prefer to stay at home or move to assisted living
Whether you have long-term care insurance⁵
5. Who to contact
Make sure someone knows:
Your doctor’s information
Your attorney or financial advisor
Emergency contacts⁸
Tips for a Productive Conversation
Speak honestly. Let your family know this is about planning—not fear.
Invite them in gently. Nobody likes feeling forced.
Listen as much as you talk. Good planning goes both ways.
Stay respectful and calm. Money can be emotional; patience helps.
Expect more than one conversation. It’s normal.
If You’re Hesitant to Talk
Many parents value privacy. Money is a sensitive subject. It may feel like “family matters stay with the parents.”
If you’re not ready:
Give yourself time
Bring it up again later
Keep the tone reassuring
Emphasize that this protects your wishes, not your children’s preferences
Consider involving a lawyer, advisor, or doctor⁶
Sometimes talking to a professional first makes the family conversation easier.
Olena’s Story Continues
After her husband’s stroke, Olena realized how important these conversations truly were. She didn’t want her children left in the dark again.
So she sat down with her daughter, Iryna, and carefully went through everything:
They located all bank accounts
Organized legal documents
Updated the will and power of attorney
Talked openly about future care
And then—something unexpected happened.
Olena felt lighter. Relieved. Empowered.
She even began gently talking with her grandchildren about planning ahead for the future.
“It’s not an easy topic,” Olena said. “But it’s far easier than dealing with a crisis unprepared. I want my family to know my wishes—and where everything is—long before they ever need it.”
Where to Get Help
Local Office for the Aging – free support and resources
Eldercare Locator – 1-800-677-1116 or www.eldercare.acl.gov¹⁰
Elder law attorney – help with wills, POAs, and legal documents
Financial advisor – ideally a fiduciary
AARP Caregiving Resources – www.aarp.org/caregiving
This article is general information only. It is not legal or financial advice. Every family is different—speak with a qualified professional about your specific situation.
References
Guardian Life. "How to Talk to Aging Parents About Finances." https://www.guardianlife.com/retirement/aging-parents-finances
Charles Schwab. "Aging Parents? 5 Money Topics to Discuss." https://www.schwab.com/learn/story/aging-parents-5-money-topics-to-discuss
Kiplinger. "10 Ways to Talk to Your Aging Parents About Their Finances." https://www.kiplinger.com/slideshow/retirement/t013-s001-talk-to-your-aging-parents-about-their-finances/index.html
Montana State University Extension. "Talking With Aging Parents About Finances." https://www.montana.edu/extensionecon/familyeconomics/talkingwithagingparentsaboutfinances.html
A Place for Mom. "How to Talk to Aging Parents About Finances." https://www.aplaceformom.com/caregiver-resources/articles/talk-finances-with-aging-parents
RubyWell. "How to Talk with Aging Parents About Their Finances." https://www.rubywell.com/blog/how-to-talk-with-aging-parents-about-their-finances
Bank of America. "How to Prepare Taking Over Elderly Parents Finances." https://bettermoneyhabits.bankofamerica.com/en/saving-budgeting/aging-parents-finances
NPR Life Kit. "How to Talk to Your Aging Parents About End-of-Life Planning." https://www.npr.org/2023/09/25/1199885811/how-to-talk-to-your-parents-about-their-money
Charles Schwab. "Aging Parents? 5 Money Topics to Discuss." https://www.schwab.com/learn/story/aging-parents-5-money-topics-to-discuss
Eldercare Locator. https://eldercare.acl.gov